I promised myself I would get through the end of the year--finals, pranks, graduation, goodbyes, parties, and all--without getting emotional. Yeah, right. That would make me somethings I never want to be: unfeeling and indifferent.
I guess today a lot of things were running through my head. The thought of going to college has never scared me. I've wanted it since I was a freshman in high school. The campus life, the classes, the people are all part of the adventure that I live for. But today I realized that to get there means I have to leave here.
I was driving home tonight, taking the exit for Broken Land Parkway, the same exit I've taken literally thousands of times. And I wondered how many more times I would see the word "Columbia" on a road sign and think of it as home. I was thinking of the Dr. Seuss story we heard today and how exciting and terrifying the trip I'm about to take is going to be.
I live for experiences. I love adventure, exploration, challenges. I love to test myself and either come out on top or give it another go. That's why my sadness about leaving was curious to me for a short time. I wondered, This is everything I've ever wanted. I can be on my own, independent, making decisions for myself. I can reinvent myself. I have the opportunity be closer to the things I love--mountains--and to learn from those who know the mountains better than I know my bedroom. I can dive into the wild and not look back.
Then I remembered the most important thing I've ever learned. I learned it from my mom before I ever entered a formal classroom. Then I discovered it for myself at Spencerville. I finally knew it was absolute truth when I took a five-day solo backpacking trip for no other reason than to face my own fears. Here is the truth, and if you haven't discovered it for yourself already, I hope you'll take it to heart: Relationships are the most important thing in life.
There's not even a close second. Relationships are the only important things in life--your relationship with God first, your family second, and your friends third. I remember on day five of my wilderness adventure, when I was standing on the summit of Hightop Mountain, perhaps without a person within ten miles of me. I got up before the sun rose so I could catch the sunrise from the summit, and it was worth it. The sun had just risen over the Shenandoah Mountains, and it cast the largest shadows I had ever seen. On one side it was day, on the other, night. It was as if I was looking at a topographic model hidden beneath a glass case. It was so beautiful. So beautiful that I laughed out loud. Maybe it was because I was going crazy from solitude. I found its beauty to be bitter. It was bitter because I was all alone, and there was no one to share it with. There was no point.
That's why I feel sadness in the midst of new opportunity, new adventure. Why would I ever want to experience the most exciting things in the world if my friends are elsewhere? It just doesn't make sense.
I realized today that I'm going to miss everyone, even the people I never got "close" to. Just going to the same school as them for two years formed a relationship that will be missed. The good news is that new relationships are waiting for me just around the corner. Yes, they come and go, but no, that doesn't make it any easier.
I'm beginning understand that I've been focusing on the wrong things for a while. I've been focusing on the qualities of SAA, and I always get caught up in something to complain about. I've been focusing on being this quiet, detached guy who doesn't care enough to get excited about the little things. I've been focusing on mountains--climbing them, knowing their weather patterns, their topography, their plant and animal life, their tricks and secrets. I've dreamed, but I've also let my dreams become my master. And the reason I'm having trouble finding satisfaction in ANY of it is that my focus is not right. It's not what you do, it's who you do it with.
Relationships are the ONLY things that matter.
