I can't get my mind to focus recently. I think I have senioritis, just a year early. I think it might be getting better--I saw my grades recently and got scared into action. But even if I decide to step things up, it's going to be hard because my heart isn't there anymore. It's still a fight between what I want to do and what I have to do.
I got out a stack of books from the library, since reading ridiculously verbose texts usually helps me focus. This time it's the Dhammapada and Kant's monologues. Buddhism and ethics are near the top of my interests lately.
I'm so tired. Gymnastics has lost whatever it used to have. I'm pretty confident I won't be joining again next year. I don't have the passion for it that I need to really be good. Silie says I need to work out more--but I have been, and I've gotten so much stronger since the beginning of the year, even since acrofest. But I'm failing now. Not because of strength, but because of lack of motivation. I'm still motivated to keep myself in shape; that's why I've been running and lifting nonstop. But gymnastics is just not my thing. My niches lie with other activities.
Monday, February 11, 2008
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2 comments:
Ben, you don't know me, I'm the blogger that blogs people. I see that you are troubled greatly. I personally think that your trouble lies with the fact that you have Adventist guilt that stems from bad parenting. Parents that work at the GC think they walk on water and that they can do no wrong. If you look at every kid that parents work at the GC are screwed up and made to feel guilty about the coming of age. You should never feel guilty unless it is actually a sin which there is only 10 things you have to watch for and all the other things that they tell you is guilt. Think about that one. Wearing jewelry is not a sin, but GC parents make their kids feel like it is. Only one example. Start to think my little man with big ears. I'm sure you don't sin or reject God. Got is still there, he is just looking down waiting for you to ask him to come back in the Ben circle. When we reject him he steps back and lets us fall and waits, but he not gone, just standing back and waiting for us to repent. He cannot be where he is not wanted. When you’re a teen he lets you walk and make mistakes so you can grow. I think you will be the next Pulitzer Prize winner your pictures are beautiful. I know you can do it. Just get rid of the Adventist GC guilt, you will go no where with that weight. Got you thinking didn't I?
No, matts, you didn't really get me thinking, because nothing you said is relevant to my situation.
Adventist guilt, eh? I'm too much of a free-thinker to even care about issues like jewelry, caffeine, and movie theaters.
My parents aren't screwed up, thank you. I don't mind if you tell me how messed up I am--maybe I'll even believe you some of the time--but please don't ever attribute that to bad parenting.
I understand my situation with God perfectly. Nothing can prove to me that he doesn't exist--that belief was concreted on my recent trip. But right now I'm struggling with the question of whether or not he cares. I know he's still there, and I think I even know that he's waiting for me to want him back. But sometimes I need to learn the hard way. Like you said, I'll fall and hopefully realize my need for God. And if I don't, then I obviously don't need him.
Maybe I am troubled, and maybe there's a specific reason why. But that's not it. It just doesn't make sense.
For not knowing me, you know a hell of a lot about me. That makes you, what, a stalker?
Haha, thanks for reading.
cheers
Ben
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