Paint Me Lightly

I'm all about the light painting. For me, it's photographic poetry. I know I don't have much experience with photography, but I can already tell that light painting is an area that I'm going to spend a lot of time perfecting. There's something about the ethereal quality that ghosted images and varied exposures provide that fascinates me.

What I call light painting might be called something else. But I'm learning from my brother, and for all practical purposes I assume he knows what he's talking about. It's basically the process using a light to expose certain portions of the subject during a super-long exposure. There's so much variability in the results. That's part of what makes it seem like an art form to me.

Anyway, here is one of the better results from my first light painting experiment. I call it "The Ghost of Christmas Past." (Clever, eh?) The subject is Matt. Shot with 30 second exposure on f/22.

New Exposure

Now that I'm armed with my new camera, I figure I'll start posting pics up on this blogger occasionally. I'm not going to flood my posts with all sorts of photos, rather I'll probably just post one or two every few days--once that I was especially proud of or had special meaning to me.

I guess it starts today with this one. I don't think it's very good, but it's the first one I've taken that's not crap. I hope I get better at this picture taking thing...

The Sylvan Lining

A few weeks ago I had this pounding urge to make a difference. I wanted to find my place in society as a fulfilling, contributing member. I also wanted to make some mad money, so the obvious solution to both of those issues was to get a job. But I didn't want a job like everyone else has--no restaurants, stores, contract jobs, maintenance positions, or lawn mowing. I didn't want to wield a cash register, hammer, paint brush, or logo'd polo.

I searched monster for a while before realizing that the kind of job I was looking for requires a four year degree. Actually, most of the jobs I wanted required a post-grad degree. What pissed me off is that I found several positions I knew I could hold just as well as a college graduate. But, hey, that's life.

I found something related to tutoring, and that brought me down a whole new line of thinking. I get good grades. I like kids. All my previous work experience would look good to an educator. I contacted my local Sylvan Learning Center, and surprisingly, they have a position open for high school students.

I don't get to teach. Teachers, of course, need a four year degree. Ah, shit.

No, we high school students get to answer phones, schedule lessons, organize materials, meet parents, and do basic customer service and administrative tasks. That's where I have my experience, but that's also a line of work I was trying to get away from. It's too unfulfilling. Basically, instead of wielding a jigsaw or inventory scanner, I'll be armed with a stapler and date stamp.

But it does seem like a job that holds opportunity. Maybe not right away, but possibly in the future. My biggest problem with it isn't the actual tasks, it's the pay: starting at $7 an hour. It's a pretty significant cut from my $10 and hour rate last summer, but I guess I have to take what I can get. Seven dollars an hour is more than I make now, and that's all I'm really concerned with at the moment.

I guess I'm just cynical about the whole system. I hate the way that capabilities are determined by the label of your education rather than the quality of your work. Suppose I could teach a seventh grader how to multiply fractions just as well as a young professional armed with a bachelor's degree in education and child psychology. Nobody cares...

I'm impatient with life.

Swing On Down

I suck at dancing.

But that's just because I've never done it before. The more I practice, the better I get. But even though I was the clumsiest fool on the floor last night, it was still the most fun I've had all break. I know like three west coast swing moves, over and over and over again.

I don't really have anything to say. I guess I got it all out of my system last night.

Today I might go out and take some pictures with my new camera. I still really haven't put it through its paces yet.

Since I'm listening to this song now and it has a weak connection to my life right now, I might as well post the lyrics:

Swing On Down - Donavon Frankenreiter

(swing on down, swing on down to me) - 2x
in the morning when the sun still shines
the last star lingers in the pale blue sky
that's when i know you're around
said that's when i know you're around
and in the evenin' when the light comes through the trees
the birds sing a song as if they're singin' to me
that's when i know you're around
said that's when i know you're around
i'm dreamin' if you could, swing on down, swing on down to me
i wanna know if you would swing on down, swing on down to me
every time i see somethin' like that... (swing on down, swing on down to me)
i want you to ... (swing on down, swing on down to me)
baby, won't you just ... (swing on down to me)
every time the rain comes out but the sun still wants to shout
that's when i know you're around
i said that's when i know you're around
ya know all the colors, they just speak to me
tell me stories of how it used to be when you were still around
i wish you were still around
cause i want you to swing on down
swing on down to me
from the clouds won't you just, swing on down to me
baby won't you just swing on down to me
i wanna see you today
i want you to swing on down to me
it's gonna feel so good
and all the colors they tell me things
the birds in the trees
and the stars in the sky

My Drawing Number One and My Drawing Number Two (Ben From the Inside and Outside)

I wish every Christmas we jumped back in time to the Victorian era. And then, wearing a red cape and top hat, I would walk arm in arm with my lover over a bridge, while the snow fell slowly in cottony flakes. We would stop beneath a lamp, whose glow would create a halo above our forms, and I would kiss her softly, whispering promises of eternal happiness. Probably romantic bullshit, but I wouldn't care, because whatever words I would say would have the power to create that smile (bashful), (innocent), (magnetic)--the one I've seen only once before.

I live for that dream. My aspirations, goals, and decisions are based on a handful of images. The one I just described for you is one. That's the one I've been thinking about recently of course, being the season of Christmas. When spring begins peek through the earth's skin, I'll probably begin dreaming about the one on a northern mountain, dancing through meadows of wildflowers while grizzlies watch from a safe distance. In summer it's urban--downtown city lights and modern art sculptures, sitting on a bench by the harbor. Fall, the season of life (?), usually brings an image of a river, girded with yellow and red trees. I would sit on a rock in the middle of the river with my lover as we roll up our jeans and let our feet hang lazily in the leaf-encrusted water.

This attribute of living for images makes me a few things: poetic, romantic, artistic, discontent, unrealistic, visual, cynical, and nostalgic. It's the way my mind works. It's why I have a visual memory, why I need to see something to believe it, why I love photography, why I love art, why I love dreaming, and why I love to hope.

Some people might have dreams of becoming rich or famous. For me, my dream is to experience one of those images. If I did, I could die a happy person. There's nothing more I want out of life. I understand that can be a problem, but I don't know if there's anything I can do to change it.

The next question is "What's stopping me right now from living out those images?" I've got the spots all picked out for the most part. One or two of them are within three miles of my house. But it's not just the place. It's a combination of the place and the person. I honestly don't care about experiencing the beauty of life by myself. Beauty can only be appreciated in partnership, and that's why each of my images included a lover.

I like this post because it was a tool to help me learn something about myself. I didn't have any of that thought out when I started typing. I was planning on writing a few paragraphs on how nostalgic Christmas was this year. How everything changes. How I have a dream that I can't ever seem to reach. But as I explored those thoughts, I think I finally put my finger on what that dream is. I feel a little better in some ways for knowing it, yet empty in other ways for knowing how hard it is to achieve.

Christmas wasn't bad this year. I got like... four gifts. Not shabby gifts at all, it just didn't have the same excitement as it used to. Actually, I have an amazing new camera. It's just that I remember toys on Christmas, and all the fun that would come later in the day as we assembled them and put them to work entertaining us. Today was a little quieter, but it was in the quietness that I realized how little I need. Even if I got nothing for Christmas, I would still be happy, and that's the honest truth. I guess I'm just maturing (Yes, Megan, maturing. I think what you're experiencing might be better termed "aging" :-).

Anyway, if I do start feeling depressed, I can always wallow in my new Canon 20D. The thing takes some damn fine photos. It's nice to be materialistic or not as you choose.

Okay, here's the transition between topic number one and topic number two.

Topic number two is attraction. I think my thoughts on attraction can be summed up in one abbreviated vulgarity: wtf? To expound on that, why am I such an asshole? Here's the deal: after just a few days with the family and my own introspective thoughts, I'm starting to lost my attraction for someone. That is strong evidence that my attraction was nothing more than infatuation--passing infatuation that wouldn't have evolved into real love. Even if it's not a passing attraction, it needs to stop. That's right, I just said it needs to stop. I SAID IT! Now if I could only get it to happen.

I know there are people I could fall in love with who don't feel the need to confuse me. Maybe mess with me. Whatever's happening to me.

I'm tired of typing.

Merry Christmas!

Lawl

I need to be less serious. I need to remember how much I love living. I won't worry my life away.


The Remedy - Jason Mraz

I saw fireworks from the freeway
And behind closed eyes I cannot make them go away
'Cause you were born on the fourth of july, freedom ring
Now something on the surface it stings
I said something on the surface
Well it kind of makes me nervous
Who says that you deserve this
And what kind of god would serve this?
We will cure this dirty old disease
If you've got the poison I've got the remedy


The remedy is the experience.
This is a dangerous liaison
I say the comedy is that it's serious.
This is a strange enough new play on words
I say the tragedy is how you're gonna spend
The rest of your nights with the light on
So shine the light on all of your friends
When it all amounts to nothing in the end.


I won't worry my life away.

I won't worry my life away.


I heard two men talking on the radio
In a cross fire kind of reality show
Uncovering the ways to plan the next big attack
They were counting down the ways to stab
The brother in the be right back after this
The unavoidable kiss, where the minty fresh
Death breath is sure to outlast this catastrophy
Dance with me, because if you've got the poison,
I've got the remedy

The remedy is the experience.
This is a dangerous liaison
I say the comedy is that it's serious.
This is a strange enough new play on words
I say the tragedy is how you're gonna spend
The rest of your nights with the light on
So shine the light on all of your friends
When it all amounts to nothing in the end.


I won't worry my life away.

I won't worry my life away.


When I fall in love I take my time
There's no need to hurry when I'm making up my mind
You can turn off the sun but I'm still gonna shine and I'll tell you why

Because

The remedy is the experience.
This is a dangerous liaison
I say the comedy is that it's serious.
This is a strange enough new play on words
I say the tragedy is how you're gonna spend
The rest of your nights with the light on
So shine the light on all of your friends
When it all amounts to nothing in the end.

I won't worry my life away.

I won't worry my life away.

I won't and I won't and I won't

Secondhand Attraction

Sometimes I wonder if I've been used. I might be blind. I think God's been leading my life, but it's so hard to tell what's of him and what's of me. The problem is that if I believe God wasn't leading in my relationships earlier this year, then that calls into question my entire faith in God. I was assured that he was a part of my life. If that's still true, then I'm just confused. If that's not true, then my faith was misplaced (or at least just immature).

I'm such a douche. I know it, too. I'm a textbook asshole. I'm attracted to the girls that don't do anything to deserve me, and I practically ignore all the girls that show maturity, potential, and an interest in me. Yes, I recognize the issue. Yes, I'm aware that it's a problem. But no, there's nothing I can do to change it. Attraction is still one of those mysteries to me. It seems like something that will get me into trouble. I wish I could choose who I was attracted to, but that would only exist in a perfect world. That pretty much makes me an accidental asshole. And I apologize in advance for everything that means.

I have so much Christmas shopping left to do. I spent all day at store today, and I only did about a third of my shopping. That leaves the rest for... tomorrow? I'll probably go out again tonight.

Someone please tell me to come to my senses. I'd really appreciate someone else telling me I'm crazy. If I'm the only one who thinks I'm going insane, I'm going to start believing that it's true.

Like Molasses in January

I'm moving slowly today. I woke up at 6:20, swallowed the liquid buildup of the night, felt the swollen burn of a sore throat, and went back to bed. My second try at starting my day went much more smoothly--woke up at noon, ate a little breakfast, and played guitar hero for an hour or two. Gymnastics came and went, praise practice came and went, and I was just chilling. I finally pulled myself out of the house at 4:00 for a special music practice.

In other words, break is finally here.

Matt's home. Carly's here. Everything is at peace with the world.

Except for me of course. I can't seem to find that peace. I've felt it before, but not recently. I thought that the closer I feel to God, the more peace I feel. It's always been that way in the past, but it doesn't seem to be that way now. I feel close to God now, but I still don't feel peace. My best guess is that either God is making me restless for some reason, or Satan's going to extra levels to convince me that I'm close to God when I'm really not. Either way, it's not easy.

Ah, Christmas. I overanalyze things, especially emotions. I just need to go with the flow.

Sometimes I wonder if I'm entirely misled in my attraction to girls. There's no other way to explain my track record. Should I pursue someone I'm not attracted to, just because I think we would be compatible? Or should I cause myself loads of grief by trying to deal with the incomprehensible antics of the ones I fall for?

When I Go Down

I fall in love too easily.

I guess it's just one of those things.

Five minutes with a person, and I'm looking ahead to what the future might hold for us. I'm definitely not the kind of person who can be in and out of a lot of relationships, sleep with a different woman every night, and still wake up emotionally healthy. In a way, it's a blessing. In a way, it's a curse. It goes both ways really.

It's a curse because I let my feelings get in the way of logic way to easily. I get too serious too quickly. I'll always, ALWAYS, be more emotionally involved than the other person. I'll be the one to take the relationship to the next level. But when things should slow down, I'm not the one who can do that. Also, I have trouble being casual about a relationship. That in itself is both a curse and a blessing.

I don't really know why I thought to say that today, but I thought it needed to be said. One of those little things I'm learning about myself, and I can't make up my mind whether it's good or not. Probably not.

It's Like Explaining String Theory With a Napkin

There's something oppressing me. It's something I can't put my finger on. There's something I'm not understanding--something that's evading my every attempt to hold onto it. It's a phantom in my mind, like a ghost whose silhouette is outlined, but the features are all dark. I'm not talking as metaphorically as you might think.

I'm serious, guys, I have a problem and I'm trying to explain it as well as I can. I'm convinced that this oppressive thing isn't a spiritual force, because my faith in God is strong right now, and I pray about this oppressor very often. Instead, I think it's internal. It's some ingredient in the way I was made that doesn't want to agree with other parts of me. It's almost like I'm at war with myself.

I'll tell you a little bit about how this unknown presence exhibits itself. It's the strongest when I'm changing. It's the feeling that brings me memories at certain times that create a sharp sickness in my gut. It also becomes apparent when a new part of God's plan for my life is revealed. I don't think it's something malignant--instead I think it's something of God, and the oppressive nature is not the entity but rather my sinful nature at odds with it. Maybe it's just God calling to me. But I answer God, and yet the feeling persists.

Whatever this thing is, I guess I can describe is best as unrest. It's a myriad of feelings that are all connected to the notion that I am not achieving peace. This is odd because God has been making his plan clear to me this year, and I've been following it to the best of my revelation. But I still have a feeling of unfulfillment.

I don't know. If ever I didn't know about something, this is it.

Christmas Babe, Tell Me Of Your Incarnation

I'm cruising through until Christmas. So close... so attainable. Whatever emptiness I've been feeling with all the change this year is beginning to fade with old friends, family, and traditions. It's almost like I'm young again.

I don't know how I feel about studying the nature of Christ. I guess like Z says, even though it's not an issue of salvation, it's still something we should be informed about. But I can't help being a little cynical about it. First of all, I can't seem to get past how biased and unrelenting the two sides are (fallen vs. unfallen human nature). Secondly, I'm a little afraid that studying Christ that deeply will open up questions that I won't be able to answer. And that scares me a little, to be honest. I don't want my faith to be challenged.

Like this thought in Religion Class today: Suppose Christ could have failed in his mission. I think that is almost a universal Christian belief. So, if Christ had failed in his mission, he would have proved Satan's accusations valid, therefore causing Satan to win the Great Controversy. That would have made God the loser. God would have been wrong. So... If Christ could have failed, then God could have been proven wrong. If God could have been proven wrong, that makes God fallible, right? By fallible I mean able to make a mistake, not prone to make a mistake. If I'm wrong, tell me where my logic failed. See, it's issues like this that worry me. I want to understand, but I don't want to pursue the issue if it only leads me to conclusions that are contradictory to my beliefs.

I'm sleepy tonight. I really only have one more assignment until break, which I need to finish right now.

Yesterday I landed a back tuck on my feet, without a spotter or a crash mat.

Immediately after, I stalled on a back tuck and landed on my face. I guess it evens out to progress.

On a Field, Sable, My Purpose... Gules?

Oh, I wish it was that simple. I wish purpose was as starkly displayed as red on black.

I'm going to step out and follow a little twisted train of logic, if you don't mind. Feel free to follow along. My life has never been where I want it. My life shows potential. My life isn't what I want it to be right now. Therefore, things will get better.

Okay, that's simple. Do I believe it? I don't know.

I don't think my life is crap. My life is extremely blessed. I have everything I really need, and almost everything I want. I'm not struggling through the castoffs of life like some emo, SI freak. What I mean to say is that I have dreams, just like anyone else who calls themselves members of the human race. But unlike others of the human race, my dreams have always seemed very attainable to me. Therefore, when I don't attain those dreams, I become dissatisfied.

I do believe I'll reach them. That's what gets me out of bed each morning. But it's also what's making things painful. If I expected nothing to come from my life, I would be content. Contentment isn't how much you have, it's the difference between how much you have and how much you want. But I can't want less. My dreams are part of who I am, so I might as well learn to live with it.

I wish I was the wizard of oohs and ahhs and fa-la-las.

That's all I've got today.

Christmas Don't Be Late

I'm ready for Christmas. Like, really ready. However hard some parts will be for me, I know it will offer a welcome change from the sickening pace of school. And want that Canon 20D like anything...

Tried to do some gymnastics today. My back tuck is getting worse the more I practice it. And I haven't even started perfecting that round-off yet. I'm going to need to get both if I plan on reaching my round-off back tuck goal by the end of break. And I wouldn't mind a front tuck either. I worked on those a little today and made some progress. They're fun.

I think I've forgotten what the Christmas spirit is. It was so clear to me when I was younger. It was that feeling of pure magic that every Christmas movie or CD wants you to imbibe. It was a sense of wonder that couldn't be replaced by anything. The gifts weren't what I looked forward to. It was the decorations, the lights, even the Christmas commercials. Anything could create those feelings for me. Now that sense of wonder is gone. It's age, I guess. I know that Christmas is only a day in December, and the presents now seem like only a consolation prize for losing what Christmas used to be. But I'm definitely looking forward to seeing family and getting a break from school. I guess it's just changing.

I want to fall in love this Christmas. Yeah, I know that sounds a little odd. But it's true. I'm ready to fall in love. I'm a helpless romantic, you know? All my life I've longed for a romantic relationship and dreamed of everything it would bring. I've always known I would treasure it, but I've also always known that I need to be ready first--emotionally, spiritually, intellectually. Now I know I am ready, so I'm squirming in anticipation. Especially since I think I've found someone whom I could fall in love with so incredibly easy. But I know she's not ready, and that's part of what makes this Christmas more difficult than some. It's the anticipation of something great without the delivery of something great. It's killing me.

I've got work to do tonight. I'm going to do it by the Christmas tree, because it almost makes work enviably relaxing.

I hate everything that juggling means.

Float on, little jellyfish.

Today is All Blood and No Glory

Find Me Here
Speak To Me
I want to feel you
I need to hear you
You are the light
That's leading me
To the place where I find peace again.

You are the strength, that keeps me walking.
You are the hope, that keeps me trusting.
You are the light to my soul.
You are my purpose...you're everything.

How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?

You calm the storms, and you give me rest.
You hold me in your hands, you won't let me fall.
You steal my heart, and you take my breath away.
Would you take me in? Take me deeper now?

How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?
And how can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?

Cause you're all I want, You're all I need
You're everything, everything
You're all I want, you're all I need
You're everything, everything.
You're all I want, you're all I need.
You're everything, everything
You're all I want, you're all I need,
you're everything, everything.

And how can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?
How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?

How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?

Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I was in tears for two reasons, although they're really the same. The first was because it's true. The second was because it's personal.

I can't stand here and not be moved by you.

Tonight I hate Christmas. And I hate that skit. I hate both of them because they remind me of the peace I can't seem to find. I have memories of Christmas as a child, warm memories, but they make me sick. They don't make me sick because of anything in my past, they make me sick because they don't exist anymore. They're gone, like the tide receding in the evening.

I already told you why I hate the skit. I hate it for reminding me that it's true, and for reminding me of how it applies to my life personally. And it's not that I'm resisting repentance or anything. It's out of my control.

I hate that skit, but I'll probably watch it over and over again tonight until the reservoir of emotion that's been building up inside me for such a hell of a long time breaks loose, and I weep for the pure, innocent release of weeping.

Direction, You Elusive Mistress

I'm lost. Maybe not entirely, but I'm getting there. I need direction.

The Christmas banquet last night was so much fun. I can't imagine that I was thinking about not going. But it changed some things... maybe only a little, but it changed nonetheless. Now things aren't as clear as they were a week ago.

I don't understand this whole God-having-a-plan-for-your-life thing. I think he does have a plan, but I don't know why he feels the need to trick me into thinking it's a thousand things it's not. Maybe it's patience? Or maybe it's just something I shouldn't try to understand--that I should accept by faith.

I'm so fucking sick of not knowing. Of not getting what I want. Of not knowing what I want. Of not being who I want to be or doing the things I plan on doing. For being such a devoted searcher of truth, you'd think maybe I'd know something. Maybe all my quirky perceptions are just bullshit.

In any case, I'm lost tonight, and I really need to sleep. I've got papers to write and tests to study for, but I just need to sleep. I need to sleep to dream, because last night's offering of dreams didn't seem to help any. I guess it's not surprising, really.

I need prayer, so if you're willing please don't hesitate.

Philosophers, the Cursed Breed

I have a philosophical mind. I can't help it. I don't really know why I do, because neither of my parents do. It's stupid, really. I have this compulsion to question everything that is commonly accepted as fact. I guess that's probably the best way to define what I mean by having a "philosophical mind." For as long as I can remember, I've respected philosophy in its approach. I think human philosophy is often heir to misplaced truth, but nevertheless, the pursuit of truth has always been a top priority in my mind.

It's only recently that I've decided it's a curse. I wish I could accept things as they are, without constantly wondering how they could be, or why they are the way they are. It would make my life a lot simpler, that's for sure. I question these same things in my relationships, and that really gets me unhappy. My belief in absolute truth applies to relationships as well, and sometimes I find it difficult when people don't see things the same way I do.

It's like I see parts of a bigger picture. I know I just talked about that in my last post, but then I was referring to the big picture of my life. Now I'm talking about the big picture of the world, but it's really the same concept. It's like I'm being teased with a small taste of the truth, but never given a whole revelation. I could write a book about all the epiphanies I've had--those aha moments where I figure out why people do this, why things are like that, or how things got to be a certain way. But all those epiphanies are a disconnected jumble. I can't seem to see any rhyme or reason to the world, besides of course in God. But there's so much I can't see about God that I can get pretty frustrated sometimes.

I don't know. Maybe I've over-analyzing this. I guess that just proves my point though, doesn't it? ... Sometimes I feel imprisoned by words. I wish I could blog my thoughts without being chained to words, because there's no way I can write exactly what I'm thinking. It's too abstract.

It's no secret that I've wondered in my life if I'm "special." I mean, I've gotten some really freaky weird "feelings" about things--so many that I often put more trust in my feelings than logic. I've had dreams that come true. I've learned from my dreams. I've seen things in dreams that I shouldn't have been able to know, then acted on those dreams and realized things turned out better than if I had not received the dream. I guess the gift of prophecy is a legitimate spiritual gift, but I've honestly never believed in it. I don't know what to think anymore...

I just don't know. Maybe I'm a madman with delusions. I don't know what I am.

Hollywood Produces Good Metaphors

Have you ever watched just a scene or two of a movie without seeing the entire thing? You might have been captivated by the cinematography or convincing drama, but you probably didn't know what was going on. Maybe you watched the same movie from beginning to end a few weeks later, and then everything made sense. Those meaningful scenes you had already watched became so much more meaningful, because now they had context.

If my life is a movie, then I think I started watching it from beginning to end for the first time this year. I've seen glimpses of my life before, but they were always disconnected parts of something bigger. I never had the big picture. I don't now either. I'm just beginning to understand. I might be five minutes into a two hour feature film, but I'm just far enough to realize I'm going to enjoy the rest.

God is pulling me into his plan for my life this year. I've said before that my life up to this point has been preparation--now I'm truly living my life. The truth is, God had prepared me for his plan for my life, and now he's the one who's giving meaning to my life. It's not anything that I'm doing.

God had a way of making things clear without making them clear. If you've experienced it, then you know what I'm talking about. He has a way of giving you deep reassurance without any reasonable proof. Sure, I could point to sermons or devotionals, events, and even some crazy signs that I think were meant for me, or given at a specific time to I could hear them. But when it comes down to it, he's revealing his plan for my life in ways I can't pinpoint--God works beyond the tangible.

I spent last night talking to God about where my life is going. He knows that I've felt for ages like I don't quite fit in. He knows I've often questioned why he created me the way I am. He knows I've been waiting my entire life for some purpose. I'm like an electrical current without a load, and I hope I don't get damaged in the process. And for the first time, I felt reassured that I am the way I am for a purpose, and although it might be hard now, it won't always be. When I say it won't be hard, I'm not meaning life won't be hard. I'm just saying that I won't always be searching.

I plan on following God's will for my life. It might be insanely difficult, but that's a difficulty I think I can handle. What I can't handle is not knowing, so I'm glad he's finally revealing his plan to me. It's beginning to unfold.

Today in Sabbath School he just gave me a little more reassurance. He didn't need to, but I guess he just felt like it. The lesson was about waiting patiently for God's plan to come to fulfillment in your life, even when getting to the plan might be a lifetime of work by itself. Those are the kinds of things that make me believe God's got my back.

Some identify God as the God of strength, the God of friendship, the God of justification, or the God of salvation. Everyone has their own view of God. For me, God is the God of guidance. He's the God that never lets you down in life, who carries who down his path when you can't go on by yourself, and who sees a beautiful ending when there's no evidence that anything beautiful exists.

That's why I have hope.

Maybe It's Hope, Maybe It's the Christmas Tree

Or maybe it's just getting used to some things. Maybe it's changing my expectations of how a day should roll. Whatever it is, I'm strangely optimistic today, when I have no reason to be. In fact, I have almost every reason not to be.

Changing my expectations... that's important. I think I expect too much. I'll be honest, life on this planet kinda sucks. I don't mean to be saying that in an emo, SI, cynical way at all. I'm trying to be realistic with the situation. If I expect to find some transcendental peace in every day, I'm only going to end up disappointed. God is there to help us cope with the burden of sin we've already brought upon ourselves; he's not a dispenser of good fortune who will make everything better. The more I expect to find happiness in the events of my life, the harder it is to find. I guess that's the "go-with-the-flow" principle I've tried to live by. The less I expect each day to give me, the happier I am when it does.

I've been thriving on hope lately. I'm honestly a little lonely. My three best friends in the entire world are in different states for the first time this year, and I haven't made a close connection with anyone new yet. That's why hope is driving me. The hope of friendship, closeness, and of course romance. That last one is the biggest right now. I've looked forward to falling in love for years, but for the first time in my life I think I'm emotionally ready. But that's only 50% of the solution...

I'll end this post with a little Something Corporate. I've been listening to them constantly for the last week or so. I don't think I've listened to anything else, honestly. Their lyrics somehow have a way of stirring emotion in me and characterizing a situation so perfectly. So here's "As You Sleep".

As You Sleep

Close your eyes, and I will be swimming
lullabies fill your room, and I will be singing
singing to only you
don't forget I'll hold your head
watch the night sky fading red.

But as you sleep, and no one is listening,
I will lift you off your feet, I'll keep you from sinking
don't you wake up yet, 'cause soon I'll be leaving you
soon I'll be leaving you, but you won't be leaving me.

In the car, the radio leaves me searching for your star
a constellation of frustration driving hard
singing my thoughts back to me, and watching heartache on TV.

But as you sleep, and no one is listening
I will lift you off your feet, I'll keep you from sinking
don't you wake up yet, cause soon I'll be leaving you
soon I'll be leaving you, but you won't be leaving me.

Don't forget I'll hold your head, watch the night sky fading red.

But as you sleep, and no one is listening
I will lift you off your feet, I'll keep you from sinking
don't you wake up yet, cause soon I'll be leaving you
soon I'll be leaving you, but you won't be leaving me.



I'm waiting for you to say, "And today was a day just like any other. I'm ready, so don't stop. I'm ready, so don't stop."

Whisper to me, Ninja of SAA

I hate Spirit Week. I've always hated spirit week. I don't really have anything against my school. It's just added stress to an already stressful week, and I never seem to have the creativity or motivation to get into it.

Ninja tomorrow, eh? I'll see what I can do.

Spencerville is not really what I expected. It became familiar much faster than I wanted it to. It seems familiar now. I'm comfortable in my classes, self-confident in my friendships, and content with everything I'm involved in. Okay, almost everything I'm involved in.

But a part of me wants to hate it. A part of me wants to curse it for taking away my home at Atholton and throwing me into the yawning jaws of the real world. I knew it was time to change--time to be on my own, disconnected from my past. But knowing it's the right time and wanting a change aren't the same thing. In some ways, I think I'm still fighting against the change that's occurring in my life, no matter how comfortable I am at SAA.

Maybe tomorrow I'll hide behind a black mask and pretend no one knows I'm there.

Le Big Snow and Le Petit Prince

It's been a well-known fact for as long as I can remember that Maryland schools like to close when the weatherman has a nightmare involving snow. When four inches drift down in the early morning, with no sign of melting, it surprises me just a little bit that I still have classes. I guess I don't mind too much, but I'm always looking for a break.

I read a book yesterday, which I'm honestly a little surprised I haven't read yet. It's a children's classic called "The Little Prince," or "Le Petit Prince" if you're French or think you are, like I do. The reading of this book was like nothing else I've experienced--literally epiphany after epiphany. I couldn't stop shaking my head in agreement, or simply re-reading a passage to make sure I understood the full extent of its meaning. Although it's marketed as a children's book, there's so much more in it. Not more that children can't understand (I think everything I understood from it could also have been understood by someone half my age)--simply more meaning than even the most poignant avant garde literature I've read has revealed.

The Little Prince is a love story. It convinces its readers that love is the ultimate meaning in life--that relationships are infinitely more important than trivial quests for knowledge or material. The way Antoine de Saint-Exupery clearly states the nature of falling in love is refreshing. It's something a young child could understand. Maybe it's something that becomes clearer the younger you get. Anyway, I'd like to post a few quotes from the book that especially stuck out to me. These small gems barely need context to truly be powerful. They stand alone.

"If someone loves a flower of which just one example exists among all the millions and millions of stars, that's enough to make him happy when he looks at the stars."

"I should have judged her according to her actions, not her words. She perfumed my planet and lit up my life. I should never have run away! I ought to have realized the tenderness underlying her silly pretensions. Flowers are so contradictory! But I was too young to know how to love her."

"For me you're only a boy like a hundred thousand other boys ... For you I'm only a fox like a hundred thousand other foxes. But if you tame me, we'll need each other."

"The only things you learn are the things you tame."

"One sees clearly only with his heart. Anything essential is invisible to the eyes."

"It's the time you spent on your rose that makes your rose so important."

"No one is ever satisfied where he is."

"'What makes the desert beautiful,' the little prince said, 'is that it hides a well somewhere.'"

"'If you tame me, my life will be filled with sunshine. I'll know the sound of footsteps that will be different from all the rest. Other footsteps send me back underground. Yours will call me out of my burrow like music. And then, look! You see the wheat fields over there? I don't eat bread. For me wheat is of no use whatever. Wheat fields say nothing to me. Which is sad. But you have hair the color of gold. So it will be wonderful, once you've tamed me! The wheat, which is golden, will remind me of you. And I'll love the sound of the wind in the wheat...'

The fox fell silent and stared at the little prince for a long while. 'Please... tame me!' he said."

I want to tame her. I want to look into the stars and be happy, because I know my little planet is fulfilled with her singular presence. But right now, I'm not responsible, like the fox says. But I can still find contentment! When the little prince looks at the desert, he finds joy because he knows there is a well out there. When I look at my life, I find peace because I believe in hope. And hope is powerful. Yes, it may disappoint, but that's a risk well worth taking. Besides, risk is the sweetness in life.

Yes, hope. And snow.

A Day is A Slightly Modified Jet Engine

It's Tuesday today. There's no gymnastics practice, so I get home at a reasonably early time and consider how to prioritize my day. My first thought is usually food, and today is no different. While munching on something I find in the fridge and sipping from an enormous mug of apple hot apple cider, I run over all the events on my radar for the day: I teach a guitar lesson at 5:30, I need to write an American Lit essay, type a reading reaction, study for 20th Century History, and finish another pesky article for yearbook. I should follow up on my job application, go to the library, and try to figure out how to work my newest technical investment. I agreed to unlock the school at 7:00 for juggling club.

As I think about these things, I discover how much I hate responsibility. I also discover how badly I shouldn't be blogging, but writing is becoming more and more like my only outlet on a busy day like today.

Today is a microcosm of this year. I'm done with preparing for my damn life; now it's time to start managing it. I'm sick of people urging you over and over again to prepare for your life, as if you haven't quite crossed over the boundary of non-life and life. The details of each day are becoming more and more meaningless, and the day itself is turning into something markedly valuable.

I'm a little down today. Sometimes I wonder. I wonder if I should be at Spencerville. I wonder if I'm a philosophical poser--if I'm no different than every other American junior except that I'm a little misguided. I wonder if I'm just booksmart and not streetwise. I wonder if I should never have talked to her, smiled at her, or fallen asleep thinking about her just so she could play protagonist in my dreams. It's the last one that makes me wonder really hard, because I know I can deal with the rest.

Here's a question: What if, as humans, we endure unspeakable pain every time we sleep, yet the memory of that pain is erased upon waking? Would it matter? Would anyone really care? That's the situation I'm dealing with. Well, maybe the inverse of the situation. If I had never met her, I wouldn't have known how I would fall for her. It wouldn't matter, because the knowledge of it wouldn't even enter my thoughts. Yet I can't ignore what I feel--if I had the choice now of erasing my feelings for her or continuing with the nagging reminders of my helplessness, I know I would continue. Because I don't want to stop thinking about her, however much it hurts. I guess that's the power of hope.

It's funny how a commentary on my day ends up discussing my feelings for her. Maybe not funny... Appropriate.

Oh, yes, and the subtitle for this blog should be, "It Roars Convincingly But Never Takes Flight."

Winnie the Pooh and Cunnilingus

When I used to tell people I was a philosophical Taoist, I never quite understood its connections to cunnilingus. Yes, I just said I didn't understand Taoism's connection to cunnilingus. I just said I didn't understand the connection before, which obviously means I do now. It's strange, really. Apparently sexual juices are a sort of life fluid, and by ingesting them the Taoist could enjoy a longer life. The things "The Tao if Pooh" didn't cover... scandalous, really.

Anyway, that's the perfect introduction for my next topic: life. Whether or not you believe life can be strengthened by certain sexual juices, there is definitely a secret to living for the future. Where will I be in ten years? Will I be with the girl of my dreams, or is that just a fantasy of today? Will I be pursuing the same careers I've been interested my entire life, or will something else crowd its way into my field of vision?

Humans change. Life doesn't change; life is change. If we aren't changing, we technically aren't living. Then we're just sitting on our asses like a species of creature further down the developmental chain. Change is ecstasy! It's the only thing that keeps us from hanging ourselves by one of our million damn USB cables during a moment of technical frustration. It's what keeps us active when there's no other reason to be active--the anticipation of the undiscovered. It's why I should have been an explorer three hundred years ago. It's the same urge we have in common as humans. Maybe even more pleasant than Whitman's procreant urge. Maybe more universal. Maybe the desire to live for the life of tomorrow is even more conducive to longevity than cunnilingus.

But maybe not. I'm tempted to experiment.